Who is LeBron James’ horror movie counterpart?

Devon Greene , editor-in-chief

The NBA is back and several teams are looking scarier than ever, so I think it’s time to cast some of their biggest players as horror villains.

The scariest team in the league this year is by far the Los Angeles Clippers. The Clippers have the ability to embarrass any team in the league on any given night when they want to. Their lead man, Kawhi Leonard is a meme machine with his robotic tendencies and his laughs that sound like an error in his mainframe. I racked my brain for hours trying to think of a decent robot horror villain but I can’t think of one, so I think the closest match for Leonard is Pinhead from the “Hellraiser” franchise. Pinhead’s main objective is to take the souls of humans on Earth. I’m about 85 percent sure that Leonard has been programed to take the soul of every NBA franchise he can get his hands on. Leonard has already taken the souls of the Miami Heat, the San Antonio Spurs, the Oklahoma City Thunder and the Golden State Warriors, and I’m absolutely positive that his reign of terror is nowhere near over.

Next up is James Harden from the Houston Rockets. Harden is one of the most hated players in the league because of his play style and perceived lack of interest on the defensive end. For these reasons alone, I think Harden most resembles Death from the “Final Destination” franchise. One of the first things that comes to mind when I think of the word “bored” is the phrase “bored to death,” which is a phrase that comes to mind when I think of Harden. Death in the “Final Destination” franchise, however, is not always boring. It always has these elaborate ways of finally killing the characters that escaped it at the beginning of each movie. This is similar to Harden because he isn’t always boring. Harden has the ability to score 60 points a night if his shot is working and if the referees are blowing the whistle like he wants them to. Also, he can instantly redefine a grown man’s career when he crosses them up and makes them fall and sit on the ground for multiple seconds while he drains a three in their face.

Harden’s teammate Russell Westbrook is the next target. Westbrook is in uncharted territory for the first time in his career after he was traded from the team that drafted him, the Thunder. Westbrook has gained a reputation of being out of control, so I think his closest counterpart is Pazuzu from “The Exorcist.” I cannot think of a villain that is more out of control than Pazuzu. He forces Reagan to pee on the carpet at her mother’s house party, curse out her mother and priests, use a crucifix as an adult toy, turn her head around 360 degrees and projectile vomit on those same priests. I don’t know what Westbrook does in his free time, but I think I may have seen his head turn 360 degrees once during a game. Also, sometimes it seems like Westbrook is possessed by a demon. The only explanation for his seemingly endless amount of energy is possession by a demon. I remember watching Game 6 of the Western Conference Finals back in 2014 and Westbrook took a shot that I am still trying to figure out to this very day. With 13.4 seconds left in the game, he dribbled to the left side of the three point line where Tim Duncan and Manu Ginobli were both waiting for him, and instead of passing out of the double team to anybody else on his team, like scoring champion, Kevin Durant, Westbrook threw up the most awkward three pointer in NBA history that ended up hitting the top of the backboard and essentially sealed the series for the Spurs. This was like when Pazuzu possessed Father Karras and jumped out of the window to his death. Demons are bad, Westbrook is also bad.

The NBA’s conspiracy theorist figurehead is up next in Kyrie Irving. Irving joined the Brooklyn Nets last offseason and has been playing out of his mind (if that’s even possible) since putting on the black and white uniform. Irving is obviously famous for playing basketball but he has also gained some notoriety from his outlandish takes. Irving has admitted he believes the Earth is flat and that the moon landing was faked. Irving would fit perfectly in the role of Jack Torrence from “The Shining.” Over the course of “The Shining,” we slowly see Torrence lose touch with reality and I feel like the longer Irving has been in the NBA, the farther down the rabbit hole he has gone. Near the conclusion of “The Shining,” it is revealed that Torrence, a writer, has been writing the same sentence over and over again and it read, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” If Irving were in Torrence’s place, I feel like it would read, “All passing and no shots makes Kyrie a sad boy.”

Following Irving is one of his former teammates, LeBron James. James is the NBA’s G.O.A.T., so I think it is only fair to compare him to a literal goat, Black Phillip from “The Witch.” It would be too easy to compare the two just because they’re the same species, so let’s dive a little deeper. In the aftermath of the infamous “Decision” that James made back in 2010 when he decided to leave the Cleveland Cavaliers for the Heat, Cleveland fans and sports fans across the country were all looking to make James a villain in any way they possibly could. So, what was their last resort? Make James a devil worshipper. Conspiracy theories connecting James and rapper Jay-Z to the illuminati were circulated around social media sites and when James selected the number six to wear on his jersey in Miami, the speculation only picked up steam. I’ve seen “The Witch” two times and I’m pretty sure that Black Phillip is supposed to be the actual devil, so these two are like peas in a pod.

Finally, a player that isn’t playing this year, but one who I would be disrespecting if I left him out, Kevin Durant. Durant joined Irving on the Nets this offseason after a ridiculously successful stint with the Warriors. There were several comparisons that were easy to make when it comes to Durant, like the snake from “Anaconda” for obvious reasons, but I think there’s only one horror villain that fits the Durant mold perfectly,: Pennywise from “Stephen King’s IT.” Both Pennywise and Durant are absolutely terrifying when they’re at their full power, leaving them nearly unstoppable. Durant is one of the best scorers in NBA history and Pennywise is one of the best child-eaters in movie history. However, they both have a glaring weakness. They can be defeated by being made fun of. In “IT: Chapter 2,” Pennywise is defeated by the grown up versions of the Losers Club when they gang up and call him names. He eventually shrivels up into a little gross baby clown and they destroy him. Durant is notorious for not taking criticism lightly. He took major offense in 2014 when an Oklahoma City newspaper called him “Mr. Unreliable.” He’s created burner accounts on multiple social media platforms to reply to his critics and seemingly left Golden State because of the criticism he was getting from the NBA community, including his own teammate Draymond Green, who berated Durant in an argument last year during an overtime loss against the Clippers.

“You’re a b—- and you know you’re a b—-,” Green said. “We don’t need you. We won without you. Leave.”

Durant said that this had little to no reason in his decision to leave, but if we’ve learned anything about Durant in the time we’ve known him, it’s probably safe to say that it absolutely did.