Who is Tom Brady’s horror movie counterpart?

Devon Greene, editor-in-chief

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With Halloween right around the corner, I’ve gone into full horror movie mode. But as a sports fan, I’m stuck watching plenty of football at the same time. As a result, the two have started blending in my head, so I thought it would be fun to cast some of the current starting NFL quarterbacks as some of our beloved horror movie icons.

To start it off, let’s get the heavy hitters out of the way. Green Bay Packer quarterback Aaron Rodgers would make a great Freddy Krueger of the “Nightmare on Elm Street” franchise. Rodgers and Krueger have a lot of things in common: they both give their opponents nightmares, they seem like genuinely cool guys (excluding the whole child abuse thing with Krueger), they’ve taken the souls of many people and they both have a decent sense of humor. Obviously, Rodgers is a lot more handsome than Krueger (especially when he starts rocking his mustache) due to the whole burnt body situation. I’d be willing to bet that most Cowboy fans around the nation will agree that they are still begging Rodgers to stop giving them the night sweats. One edge that Kreguer has over Rodgers is in the beer chugging department. Rodgers put together a pitiful effort at an NBA game last season and it’s probably the only thing you can hold against the guy. He’d totally demolish Krueger in a throwing competition, though; I don’t know how a person could throw with knife gloves on.

Next up is Leatherface from the “Texas Chain Saw Massacre” franchise. I was tempted to either choose Dak Prescott out of Dallas or Deshaun Watson out of Houston here because of the geographic convenience, but neither of them have anything in common with Leatherface. Instead, my pick is Matthew Stafford of the Detroit Lions. Of all the quarterbacks in the league right now, Stafford seems the most rugged to me. He’s got the ability to grow a massive beard, plays in Detroit, he’s a strong, hefty guy and it doesn’t appear to me anyway that he’s the sharpest knife in the drawer. Stafford seems to always make crucial mistakes in the season that cost the Lions a game or two. It also seems like he would be pretty easy to boss around, much like Leatherface if he was getting yelled at by his cannibalistic family. I’ll never forgive the Lions for causing Calvin Johnson to retire, by the way.

One of my personal favorites, Jason Voorhees of the “Friday the 13th” franchise is up next. “Freddy vs. Jason” is the first horror movie I can ever remember watching and it scares the living daylight out of me to this day even though I can recognize that it is a pretty bad movie. From that point on, I’ve been captivated with Voorhees. I’ve watched all of the “Friday the 13th” movies multiple times and played the video game for hours and hours. The perfect person for Voorhees here is Patrick Mahomes of the Kansas City Chiefs. The biggest similarity between the two is that they can kill you in whatever way they want. Mahomes is so ridiculous that I think we forget some of the absurd things he does. Sidearm throws, off-handed throws, staring down referees during a live play and so much more while terrorizing whatever defense he’s up against. Voorhees does much of the same. He’s punched people’s heads off, shattered heads with liquid nitrogen and whacked people inside sleeping bags against trees. His sense of improvisation is one of his greatest assets and the same goes for Mahomes. Also, they both are almost impossible to tackle. I’ve seen people try to sack or tackle Mahomes dozens of times and they whiff every time. I’ve seen Voorhees get punched in the face, stabbed and kicked and not go down, so I don’t know anybody in the league that would have a chance against him. Mahomes is a lot faster than Voorhees, though, but I think Voorhees from “Friday the 13th: Part 3” might give him a run for his money.

The last of the icons is Michael Myers of the “Halloween” franchise who is probably the hardest to cast. Myers is a silent killer who strikes in the night. I wanted to pick New Orleans’ quarterback Drew Brees here, but he has those loud and inspiring pregame speeches that never fail to get me hyped up. I’ve watched every Halloween movie ever made and nothing Myers has ever said made me want to swim across the entire Pacific Ocean. So for that reason, I’m going to go with Denver Broncos quarterback Joe Flacco. Flacco was drafted in 2008 and I legitimately cannot remember a single word the guy has ever said. Granted, he hasn’t had to say much with teammates like Ray Lewis and Ed Reed running around. Yet, even if he was a guy that talked a lot, just by looking at his face, I don’t think he could ever say anything that would get me hyped up. Myers has this iconic move where he tilts his head and looks at a person he just killed and I feel like if Flacco did the exact same thing, it would be because he was super confused about what just happened. However, Flacco does have a Super Bowl ring and he was the MVP of that Super Bowl, so he does get some credit. He’s still not elite though.

Right outside the big four horror movie icons is Ghostface from the “Scream” franchise. At the end of “Scream,” we find out that Billy Loomis and Stu are the killers. So for this pick, I think it’s only fair to go with two people, Gardner Minshew and Nick Foles of the Jacksonville Jaguars. Minshew has been an absolute cold-blooded animal on the field this year (except against the Saints), and we all know what Foles can do on the grandest stage of them all. The players in this scenario have to be cold-blooded because Loomis and Stu terrorize Sidney Prescott after killing her mother, with the former even dating Prescott. Both Minshew and Foles have a charisma about them that is unmatched by any other quarterback in the league. You could tell me any story about either one of these guys and I’d believe it. Minshew has actually gained the nickname “Jockstrap King” and has been offered a contract by an adult film company. This works even better due to the fact that the actor that plays Loomis in “Scream” is named Skeet Ulrich. Everything pans out here.

One of the most outspoken and beloved villains is up next in Chucky from the “Child’s Play” franchise. This is probably the easiest pick for me with Cleveland Browns’ quarterback Baker Mayfield fitting perfectly in the mold. Mayfield is charismatic, funny and outspoken, all things that describe Chucky. Mayfield is not perfect and neither is Chucky, but they can do some real damage on a good day. Mayfield is also a small man. Chucky is a doll and is, consequently, small.

Getting into a more modern villain, Jigsaw from the “Saw” franchise. Jigsaw sits on a moral pedestal and judges everyone while putting them in various traps that maim and murder them. This description sounds a lot like Russell Wilson of the Seattle Seahawks. I’m a huge fan of Wilson; you can ask my parents and they’ll tell you I was singing his praises on draft night in 2012 as one of the future stars of this league. One of the critiques of Wilson is how “vanilla” he is. With all these outspoken and fun quarterbacks in the league, Wilson seems like the straight as an arrow kind of guy. This can be misconstrued as judgy by many fans and I don’t really agree with it, but I’m going to run with it here because it fits my narrative. The biggest reason I’m picking Wilson here is because he tortures defenses like no other. He’s just as fast as a wide receiver and as accurate as any quarterback in the league so he can put anybody in the league in a blender.

Finally, let’s get down to probably the greatest villain in movie history, Hannibal Lecter from “Silence of the Lambs.” There can only be one man in the NFL to portray Lecter: Tom Brady of the New England Patriots. Lecter is smarter than everyone and so is Brady. Brady always seems to be 10 steps ahead of his competition and Lecter seems like he does the same, even though he’s a caged being for most of “Silence of the Lambs.” There really isn’t an intellectual counterpart for Lecter except for Clarice Starling and I think the same goes for Brady with Bill Belichick. Plus, I really like the idea of Belichick taking the place of Jodie Foster in “Silence of the Lambs.” It’d be a marvelous train wreck. Now, I obviously don’t think that Brady eats people like Lecter does, but if it suddenly comes out some day that Brady was caught eating somebody in the bowels of Gillette Stadium, I mean, I wouldn’t be terribly shocked. He’s got to get his powers from somewhere. In 2015’s “The Witch,” the witch that we see rubs the remains of a baby on her body to become young again. While some people think Brady might be that evil, I really don’t. Maybe he’s just evil to the point where he’ll cut someone else’s face off and put it on his own face. Brady is better than any quarterback in NFL history at his position while simultaneously being one of the most handsome players in the league. That’s not even mentioning the fact that he is completely shattering the status quo of the league by not being absolutely terrible at his advanced age.

There’s one last one I want to go over: the shark from the “Jaws” franchise. To fill such big fins, we need an even bigger man, and that man has to be Jameis Winston of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I only picked Winston for two reasons. He stole some crab legs when he was back in college, and his infamous “eat a W” pregame speech.

There are plenty more players around the league that frighten me to my core, especially on defense, but we live in the era of offense, so they set the tone.

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