Western Courier

He Said: What about one night stands

Zed Bartlow

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Picture this: You go out with your friends for a hard night of drinking at one of our local saloons and after several rounds, you wake up in a strange place next to someone you have never seen before. The first thing I personally want to do is shake the person awake and scream at the top of my lungs, “What happened?!” One-night stands occur at an alarming rate and can help to further one’s growth and development.When deciding to go home with someone, certain situational difficulties must be dealt with. They ultimately stem from whose house you stay at. If you want the person to stay for a while, go back to your crib, but if you are worried about the getaway in the morning, the other person’s house is the primary objective. The walk of shame is one possible downside of this, but you can use this time to have a smoke and reflect on the night before.

This brings us up to Custer’s One-Night Stand. This occurs when a belligerent amount of alcohol has been consumed and a blackout occurs. When startled awake, your first response is to chew off one of your arms like a coyote in a trap so as to not wake up the person who looked like a model the night before. Since you only have two arms, the limp role must be executed to begin the extraction. The next tricky part is getting through the door quietly. What kind of excuse could you offer if you got caught in the doorway with your shoes on? You have not fully completed the escape until you are down the sidewalk and sure you are not being followed on the walk of shame mentioned above.

On the flip side of this, problems arise from an unwanted guest who will not leave. The kindest way to get rid of the visitor is to make a reference to coffee or breakfast, but then have a staged appointment that you just happened to “forget” about. While this is perhaps the kindest, other more practical avenues of approach do apply. Faking an illness for long periods of time or just the simple escort to the door will also suffice.

So if you drink way too much and mistake a less desirable person for your dream encounter because of the beer goggles, don’t forget the helpful hints mentioned above.

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The independent student newspaper of Western Illinois University. Serving Macomb since 1905.
He Said: What about one night stands