Lessons learned from the “Saw” franchise

Dalton Boland

Trapped in a detailed and somewhat ironic torture device that requires some sort of self-mutilation or moral dilemma to escape? I figured you were. It was bound to happen sooner or later, right?Well lucky for you, the “Saw” thriller series has shown us some handy skills for such a situation. Hopefully, whoever trapped you here isn’t as insane as John Kramer. He may be dead, but he’ll still have no problem killing you and your whole family. And if you somehow manage to survive, you will most likely become another one of his proteg√©s.

Follow Directions.

Sometimes Jigsaw likes to throw in little tips he thinks you won’t recognize. Take a deep breath and really listen; apparently games of torture and puns go really well together.

Stay calm, and mutilate yourself with a steady hand. You have 60 seconds, so make sure that all the cuts are clean. Bad cuts guarantee some lifelong damage, and shock from a nasty incision is the last thing you want.

Think before you act.

If the timer hasn’t started yet, don’t move a muscle. Mentally prepare yourself before taking that scalpel through your eye. In the original, if Adam grabbed the key out of the bathtub, the “Saw” series would have ended in five minutes. In “Saw 2,” if Addison had just looked on the other side of that glass box, she would have noticed the lock and key. Instead, she bled to death.

In “Saw 3,” that key had been sitting in acid for over 10 seconds, and iron bars were attached to every one of Kerry’s ribs. The key had already dissolved too much to be of any use, so why did she go through the pain of spilling acid all over herself to grab it? If you find yourself in an inescapable trap, take that minute to look back on the good moments of your life.

No one is safe.

According to Jigsaw, murderers and rapists deserve the same basic punishments as some dude that cuts his wrists for attention. Through that logic, a jaywalker may find himself lying on a table with a spinning car tire slowly lowering on his face. Very few of the tortures are fair, so don’t spend precious time dwelling on it.

The world is a terrible place.

Everyone is guilty of something, and apparently no one truly values his or her life. If you happen to be trapped with other people, they will do everything in their power to outlive you. Make sure you betray them before they can stab you in the back, unless of course you’ve betrayed someone before in your life, in which case your test is most likely to remain loyal to the rest of the group.

Give up.

The survival rate of these traps is not in your favor. If the death is particularly excruciating, sure, try to live. But for the most part, you’re better off just hanging out for a minute

until it takes its toll. Chances are even if you get the key, it’ll still go off.