CC: The real truth about contraception

Victor Olsen courier staff

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Editor’s note: The statements made in “You Deserve to Know the Truth: Contraception” are not supported by the Newman Center and do not necessarily reflect the views of all Catholics. This column contains some graphic content.

Well, it’s good to be back. Although I enjoyed reading about people’s majors, I’m glad I can once again write about a much more interesting topic. Of all the sexy things below the waist,

I’ve picked a particularly spicy topic: contraception. 

If you have 13 minutes to kill and really want to force yourself to become stupider, I have a video for you. Over 56,000 people have tuned into “You Deserve to Know the Truth: Contraception.” I hope the majority of people that watch this video do it for entertainment, rather than viewing it as actual fact.

For those of you who don’t have 13 minutes to spare, let me summarize this extremely informative video. This video, created by a Catholic prayer group, opened my eyes to the world of scandalous trend of “contracepting.” According to this group, contraception is not only responsible for divorce, godlessness and homosexuality, but it also causes bestiality.

The video states that the entire world’s population would live “quite comfortably” in Texas because the world is lacking children. First of all, it is balls-sweat hot in Texas. I don’t think anyone lives comfortably there. Just to clarify this is all because women are using the birth control pill.

Let me break it down for you:

Women who are on the birth control pill do not produce pheromones. Because men are attracted to women based on their pheromones, men become uninterested in women. Women, desperate to score a man, dress provocatively to seduce men. Hold on to your knickers, it gets better from here. The video quotes a study by Lionel Tiger, which showed the Depo-Provera contraceptive shot in apes led to decreased male attraction to females.

This video takes the study one step further and suggests the males apes surrounded by “contracepting” female apes gave up on them altogether and began to have homosexual relations. The obvious conclusion: women on birth control pills cause men to become homosexual. 

In reality, the study by Lionel Tiger, published in his book “The Decline of Males: The First Look at an Unexpected New World for Men and Women” does demonstrate a decrease in sexual attraction to female apes, and states very bluntly that the male ape “approached females, inserted his fingers in their genitalia, stroked and sniffed them” While that sounds like some pretty sexy ape foreplay, the study states there “was never the usual episode of intercourse.” 

So, what would a rational person gain from this study? Apes have sex for procreation and can possibly sense the lack of fertility in apes who are on hormones. This study should not be applied to humans, because, wait for it, humans have sex for pleasure!

Despite my manly persona and large amount of arm hair, I am not a monkey, and I do not judge females based on their fertility. Yes, it is known that men are historically attracted to fruitful women, but the modern man has moved beyond the habits of a common ape.

While heterosexual men are still biologically attracted to breasts and hips, I also care about whether or not foxy ladies think I am funny, or whether or not they will make me delicious yums yums, or even crazier, how creative they can get with the “hide the sausage” game.

I could care less about a girl’s fertility if she knows what she’s doing in the bedroom. But that idea is obviously lost by those who created this video. Basically, in the modern world, men don’t care about pheromones nowadays. So ladies, hormone up and party on. Don’t let this less-than-viral video stop you from having some good, clean, godless fun.